THREAT LEVEL IS RAISED!

Dice-K is hurt and the Sox still can't overcome the D-Rays, the friggin' D-Rays of all teams.

It is now time to raise the Failure Threat Level to Screaming Orange.

Begin to take precautions for failure:

Increase listening to "EEI
Begin working on ulcer.
Practice saying "you bums"!

Big 2 worries

2 scratches

Josh Beckett missed Tuesday night because of neck stiffness and now Dice-K is out with the flu. Although they manged to scrape by last night, it can't be good to have two aces go down so suddenly at such a crucial point in the season, can it?

After an emergency meeting of the panic committee, it was decided to leave the threat level were it is.

DHI Endorses Hillary Clinton

It may seem like an odd thing for a fictitious agency of a fan culture based "nation" to do, especially on the eve of a non-New England primary. Nevertheless, the Department of Homeland Insecurity heartily endorses Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton for prez.

Why?

Well first the BoSox have not been giving us material of late (especially with Big Papi working out of his slump).

But more importantly, Hill's selfish dedication to her own candidacy at the expense of her party and their likely nominee is a chilling reminder of past Sox teams that foundered because of the self-centered behavior of their players.

Bravo Senator, bravo. Dick Stuart would be proud!

Stankees strike first

Wang pitched better than he usually does in Fenway, but the Sox didn't help themselves either. I mean two hits and one of those a bunt?

Manny and Papi were hitless in six at bats with three strikeouts and a double play!

"You see fly balls, you think the results would be different," Boston manager Terry FranComa said. "He (Wang) was very efficient." C'mon Terry, give these boys a kick in the ass and don't sit on your WS laurels.

Opening Day Karma

In another ill-conceived move, the First Pitch for '08 was thrown by none other than Bill Buckner.

Talk about tempting fate! Now '86 was not the sole fault of Bill, but the series of events he found himself in was symbolic of that case of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

The Undersecretary remembers that just before Buckner's big misplay in '86, the sportscasters put up a graphic showing what the price bread etc. was in 1918, the last time, they said, that the Sox had won the series. Some may say that the lesson is that it ain't over 'til it's over, but we think the lesson is you never know what can be a jinx, and mighty Fate does not like to tested!

Disastrous Canadian Expeditions

Back during the Revolution (the winter of 1775-1776 to be precise), invasions of Canada was launched from Ft. Ticonderoga and the coast of Maine with the goal of conquering Quebec City. The expedition through the wilds of Maine (led by none other than Benedict Arnold) lost 500 of 1,100 men through smallpox and starvation before even reaching Quebec. Not surprisingly, we had the type of unmitigated disaster that only New Englanders could appreciate. In fact, the Dead River in Maine got its name from this foray into the Great White North. Oh yeah, Quebec was never taken either.

In the cold Spring of '08 the Red Sox continue this proud New England tradition of Canadian debacles by getting swept by the Jays. Even the mighty Josh Beckett couldn't stop the bloodshed.

The only thing preventing the panic button from being pushed is not that it's only April, but that the maintenance crew has yet to install it!